I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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