i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
