he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
