i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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