Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i think i have two assholes
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
