I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
