If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
