he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
