i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
