Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
