there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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