I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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