did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
