she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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