all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Then you guys just all showered together...?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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