We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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