my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
we're making bets on your personal life
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
