In the future we'll all be gay
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
