I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
