He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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