Whatcha textin bout Willis?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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