i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
