i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Someone signed my nipple.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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