This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
