You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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