remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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