I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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