so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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