I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
