how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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