There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
