Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
