I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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