please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
