My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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