You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
