i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
