____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
i now understand why vodka
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