I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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