Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
