DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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