my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i was born a porn star she said
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
