so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
