So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I still have a little drunk in my system
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
