Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Someone came in the potted fern
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
