They should really pass out barf bags in church
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
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