is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
