I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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