sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
