your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
worst night to have a conscience
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
